When the App Does Not Tell You
A recent report on ChatGPT's teen accounts found something every parent should sit with. Testers raised suicidal thoughts, self-harm and eating disorders on accounts linked to a parent, and on more than a dozen of those accounts no alert reached the parent. OpenAI disputes how the testing was done. Even so, the finding raises a harder question than which app to trust.
If your child or your student were struggling, would they tell you before any app did?
I use AI a lot, and I believe young people should learn to use it well, because it is where their world is heading. So how a teenager's account is set up matters. But as a former MOE teacher and as a parent, my first reaction was simple. If a child is in trouble, a mature adult needs to know.
Not Every Adult Is the One They Tell
In more than twenty years of working with and in schools around Singapore, first as a teacher and now as a life skills trainer, I have noticed the same pattern. Some students came to me with things that were deeply private. Others never did, however long I taught them. The difference was never the topic. It was the relationship.
That is the part no setting on an app can replace. Communication is not only about speaking so that others understand. It is also about being the kind of listener a young person will come back to.
Listening to Advise Is Not Listening
Here is the mistake most of us make, whether we are parents or form teachers. We listen in order to give advice.
It feels helpful. But when a young person shares something and the very next thing they hear is a solution, it rarely makes them want to share more. Listening is about reflecting back what the person has said. It is about empathy, not answers. If they want your advice, they will ask for it, and that is the moment to give it.
I see this in my own workshops. A group of students once got stuck on a task and called me over. I gave them guidelines but no answer, and asked whether there were tools at their disposal they were not using. They realised they had resources they had not tapped. A question did more than my answer could have.
Three Steps That Work at Home and in School
1. Open the door. Make the time and the space for a young person to come and talk to you. At home it might be the drive back from school. In school it might be the ten minutes after a CCA session.
2. Reflect it back. Before you say anything else, say back what they told you in your own words. Two openers help: "Do you mean...?" and "I hear that you are going through..."
Picture a Secondary 3 student who stays back after class to tell you her group project is falling apart. Instead of telling her how to fix the group, you say, "I hear that you are doing most of the work, and no one is noticing." That one sentence tells her she was heard, and that is what makes her want to keep talking.
3. Keep the trust. Whatever they tell you, protect it.
The Alert Comes First, Then the Listening
Some argue that alerting a parent overrides a teenager's privacy. I do not think that is the right way to see it. A teenager's maturity is still growing, so a more mature adult needs to know, and where necessary, the school should know too, so the right help can be triggered.
But the alert is only the start. When it comes, do not question the child in a way that makes them feel judged. An alert gets an adult's attention. Listening is what earns the child's trust.
Years ago I ran an activity where students wrote down their fears on slips of paper ahead of the examinations, and I read them out. One slip carried something deeply personal and serious. I did not read it out. At recess I went to her teacher, who brought it to the school counsellor. She had been brave enough to write it down. The least I could do was protect it and make sure the right help came.
Keeping the Trust
Once a child has trusted you with something, that trust should not be broken. At home, if your child wants the conversation to be private, give them that privacy. In school, have the conversation privately but in view of others, never behind closed doors. It protects the student, and it protects you.
Be honest about one more thing. Not every teacher will build a positive rapport with every student. The same teacher is seen very differently by different students. What matters is that every student knows who they can go to, even if it is not you.
Your Plan for the Next Seven Days
Set one regular time with no agenda: a drive home, dinner, or ten minutes after class.
Hold one conversation with no advice at all. Only reflect it back.
Tell one young person plainly: "If something is ever not right, you can come to me, and I will listen first."
Then keep a short note. Did they say more than usual?
An app can raise the alarm. Only an adult can listen.
How do I get my teenager to talk to me more?
Make a regular, low-pressure time to talk with no agenda, then listen without fixing. Reflect back what they said before you respond. Young people return to adults who make them feel heard, not corrected.
What does "reflect it back" mean?
It means restating what the young person told you, in your own words, before you add anything. "I hear that you are doing most of the work, and no one is noticing" shows you understood, which builds trust faster than advice.
Should parents be alerted when a teenager discloses something serious to an app?
Ernest's view is yes. A teenager's maturity is still developing, so a mature adult needs to know, and where necessary the school too. The alert should lead to listening, not to questioning that makes the child feel judged.
How should teachers handle a private conversation with a student?
Hold it privately but in view of others, never behind closed doors. It protects the student, and it means there are people who can support the teacher if anything goes wrong.